Being, Not Doing - The Secret To A Happy Relationship

Submitted by: Arina Smelova

"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."

Brian Tracy

Aren't you tired of all the doing? Wouldn't you like a little bit of time just to be you? We are human beings, not human doings. One way to better understand this is to get in touch with your inner voice. The more in touch we are with ourselves, the happier we become and the healthier our relationships are.

If we don't listen to our inner voice, we cannot truly be ourselves. Listening allows us to process what's going on inside us and see how we've changed. Otherwise, how could we know how we are evolving, how do we know who we really are? If we don't know who we are, how can we enjoy happiness and fulfillment?

It All Starts In Our Childhood

Since childhood, we've learned that in order to be loved and appreciated we must do things that others expect from us and not what we truly want. You remember your parents' or your teachers' words, saying "I love you if you get good grades", or "I love you if you behave nicely", etc.

We were programmed to fit into other peoples' patterns and live up to their expectations, and do everything to please them. The people around us were happy to get what they wanted without caring too much about our feelings. This is how we learned to do, rather than to be ourselves.

The Scars

But what happens when we're not being ourselves? Once we reach maturity, we become emotionally insecure and fall into the trap of conditional love, governed by insecurity, confusion, fear and even violence.

In our relationships, we try to do anything possible to please our partner and basically fit into the "good child" model learned from childhood. We are not ourselves, but someone we think we should be. We are not nurturing our inner self, because no one taught us how to do it. This is the fastest way to lose our identity and live tension and self-blaming.

Our life becomes driven by what others feel and think and we become responsible for their own feelings. If the other one is sad, we tend to blame ourselves for that and assume that it's because of something we've done or said. Consequently, we develop this negative belief that others are also responsible for how we feel.

What Can We Do?

When we blame ourselves for other people's feelings, we have no personality. We don't know how to really listen to them and have no faith in their abilities to solve their own problems. Once we realize that how we feel is totally our responsibility, we can decide what to feel.

We all choose how to feel at any given moment, whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. Helping others does not mean we should solve their problems, but rather have faith that the other has all the resources needed to solve their problems.

Unconditional Love

Learn to love your partner just the way they are and not how you'd want them to be. It's only when we have learned how to really be ourselves, will we be able to accept others for who they are. If we're all wearing masks, then what's going on between us is no longer an authentic relationship, but a masquerade ball.

Growing together in a relationship is a great adventure. Knowing how to love your partner unconditionally means knowing how to genuinely care about them and love their true spirit.

About the Author: Arina Smelova is a specialist in relationship, Founder and Managing Director of Off-Line Introduction Agency "Only You International".

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